What BDSM Taught Me About Business
The world according to Evil Coach
Before we start: A quick (safe)word:
If talk of cheese graters and growth edges has you feeling apprehensive, don’t worry. That’s as outré as we’re getting here.
Evil Coach is not going to regale you with cringe-inducing stories or prurient anecdotes, because that’s not what this is about. (In fact, BDSM really isn’t about sex at all any more than business is about money. More on that in a bit.)
Above all, Evil Coach is not here to make you uncomfortable.
This is a safe space. We’re going to be talking concepts, and more specifically about business. Remember, BDSM just happens to be the lens through which we’re thinking about it.
Now, you’re tracking this far about plans and their importance, right? That was the whole point of page one, you can’t grow your business if you don’t have a clear plan that allows you to focus on your desired outcome.
Before we start:
A quick (safe)word:
If talk of cheese graters and growth edges has you feeling apprehensive, don’t worry. That’s as outré as we’re getting here.
Evil Coach is not going to regale you with cringe-inducing stories or prurient anecdotes, because that’s not what this is about. (In fact, BDSM really isn’t about sex at all any more than business is about money. More on that in a bit.)
Above all, Evil Coach is not here to make you uncomfortable.
This is a safe space. We’re going to be talking concepts, and more specifically about business. Remember, BDSM just happens to be the lens through which we’re thinking about it.
Now, you’re tracking this far about plans and their importance, right? That was the whole point of page one, you can’t grow your business if you don’t have a clear plan that allows you to focus on your desired outcome.
Owning a pair of handcuffs does not a Dom make
You need a plan,
and you need to understand psychology
so you can safely and effectively hold space for your subs.
Doing this is not about control, or dominance in the aggressive, “I’m going to beat you down” sense of the word. It’s about safety and satisfaction, for yourself and for the people you play with.
Creating the plan also saves you from the phenomenon known as sub frenzy.
“Dominate me now! (Pleeeease.)”
Any Dom who’s been doing this a minute has experienced a sub in sub frenzy — this is a phenomenon when someone who’s new to subbing goes around trying to sub for any and everyone, even when the other person isn’t dominating them.
You’ll see them going around clubs frantically trying every new kink they can get their hands on, not really thinking about whether it’s really for them or not. And the lightest suggestion you make to them in conversation is taken as a high-discipline order.
“Could you pass me a glass of water please?”
becomes an invitation for them to say
“Oh yes Dom, thank you SO much for letting me serve you!”.
When in fact you’re not actually dominating them and all you want is some water, no lemon slice of subservience required on the side.
“Could you pass me a glass of water please?”
becomes an invitation for them to say
“Oh yes Dom, thank you SO much for letting me serve you!”.
When in fact you’re not actually dominating them and all you want is some water, no lemon slice of subservience required on the side.
And you see the exact same thing in newbie entrepreneurs.
They run around desperate for someone to tell them what to do, trying all the things. They attend webinars like it’s their job, get on every social media platform there is, trying to be everywhere all at once. They start a podcast, put up a website and sign up for one of those 90 day book programs all in one day because something, something has to work, right?
And from their perspective, this is a really smart move. Because they see these things working for other people, and they want those same results, and they’re new and over-excited.
But they’re looking at what’s going on from the outside, and not thinking about what’s going on on the inside. And so they mistake the tactics for the strategy and don’t think about how it’s all part of a bigger system, and that it’s not the webinars or podcasts or whatever that’s creating the results, but rather, the strategy behind them.
Contrast this if you will, with sub space
Sub Frenzy
- Frenetic and insecure
- Open to suggestion, and willing to follow anyone who looks like they know what they’re doing
- Desperate for satisfaction, and not really thinking about their own safety, or others
- Try to force themselves into relationships that other people aren’t there for
Sub Space
- Calm, clear, and cared for
- Knows what they want and how to get it
- Discerning about their play partners (it takes a skilled Dom to get someone into sub space, not just anyone will do).
- In trusting relationships with people who can usefully guide them
Sound familiar? This is exactly what a good business strategy feels like as well. There’s no frenzy. No fear.
You’re taken care of.
It’s all about the power exchange.
It’s all about the power exchange.
This is the important bit – the nub of BDSM if you will.
And oddly, you may not have heard of it. But this, this is the essence of kink. And indeed all of human interaction.
Thing is –– it’s under the radar. Vital to success though it is –– what I hear most often from new people is “Er… what’s power exchange?”
Power exchange is a phenomenon in which people take on a position of submission or dominance in relation to one another. It’s something instinctual to us as primates, we’ve always done it, right back to the beginning of our evolutionary history.
In every interaction, from ordering a drink at a bar to saying hello to your mother, someone tends to take the more dominant position and someone tends to take the more submissive position.
It can be incredibly subtle
— but once you start seeing it, you can’t unsee it.
In the context of BDSM specifically, the people involved make the power exchange explicit. The person who wants to be the sub makes the decision to deliberately empty themselves out mentally and let the Dom take over, take the dominant position, and take them through an experience.
It doesn’t happen if the sub doesn’t let it happen — which means that while the sub is in the submissive state, they actually have all the power in the scene.
If the sub decides to stop subbing part-way through, it’s over. If the sub doesn’t choose to take that position to begin with, it doesn’t start. Consent and choice are the cornerstones of any BDSM interaction, without them the scene doesn’t happen. You can’t “take” consent, that’s violence and abuse.
Now, this is not a blanket “I consent” one and done where the sub consents and then the Dom does whatever they want. It’s an ongoing process that requires communication and a continuous decision to keep consenting.
And the exact same dynamic
happens in excellent… coaching.
And the exact same dynamic happens in excellent… coaching.
(You knew it was all coming back to that didn’t you?)
The coachee takes the submissive position during their strategy session, agreeing to let the coach take control –– to dominate them, if you will –– because they know the coach will take them where they want to go.
The coach takes that responsibility seriously, and is in constant communication with the coachee to ensure that they have all the info they need to make good decisions that will take everybody where they want to go.
In either situation, the exact tactics you use almost don’t matter.
The techniques are just tools to get you to the result.
As long as it gets you where you want to go, then it’s good.
From the outside, of course, the only thing you see are the techniques, not the goal. You see the paddle or the podcast, not the bigger picture.
But from the inside, there’s so much more going on. A sub who likes impact play may need the thuddy feeling of a paddle versus the whippy feeling of a flogger. The strategy client who’s more into audio is going to be better suited for a podcast versus the one who loves speaking directly to audiences, and is going to find more success with a conference.
This is also why you can have a BDSM-based relationship that has absolutely nothing to do with sex.
The sex part can be loads of fun. But it’s largely incidental.
The real core of everything is the power exchange.
This is also why you can have a BDSM-based relationship that has absolutely nothing to do with sex.
The sex part can be loads of fun. But it’s largely incidental.
The real core of everything is the power exchange.
Now – you might be feeling a bit confused right about now…
Because if BDSM isn’t about sex, then what IS it about?
Because if BDSM isn’t about sex, then what IS it about?
Up Next: Part 3 of 3
The very last thing you want in BDSM is a scene that goes nowhere >>
Up Next: Part 3 of 3
The very last thing you want in BDSM is a scene that goes nowhere >>
TLDR? The short sharp version:
A quick recap
for those that like it fast + intense:
Neither dominance nor coaching are about control. It’s about safety and satisfaction. And in both cases, that only happens with a good plan.
A plan also saves you from sub frenzy: that frenetic throw-everything-at-the-wall approach that newbie subs and entrepreneurs try because they just need SOMETHING to work.
Every interaction you ever have –– dominance and coaching included –– comes down to power exchange. Learn how to work with this omnipresent phenomenon, and you’ll find that whatever tactics you end up using are essentially irrelevant.